You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
