I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
