Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
