if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
