Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize