they need to just BURY HIM!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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