Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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