Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize