i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
