it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
