so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
