He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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