Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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