im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
