why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
