My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
