just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
