the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize