I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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