there's paper in my vomit.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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