You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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