Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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