I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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