I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
