before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
