you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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