There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
