I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
In America we eat man semen.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
