did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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