I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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