Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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