I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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