you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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