I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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