i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize