think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
