dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
