If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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