I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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