Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
