I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
