Nicole vs. Life
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
