Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We need to get me chipped asap
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
