dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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