Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
