Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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