quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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