she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
