literally had 100 drinks last night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
