dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
