ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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