It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
