i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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