I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
this is an emotional support booty call
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
